The memoirist Julie Metz, who is now working on a novel, writes:
When I wrote my memoir, Perfection, the story of my discovery of my husband’s secret life only after his sudden death, my focus was on careful recall aided by journals and letters. And yet, since I love reading fiction, I wanted my memoir to “read” like a novel. After many failed attempts, I found a structure for the factual narrative that allowed me to recapture my own state of mind at the moment of my husband’s death and the early months of widowhood. The primary inspiration for my book was the fictional memoir Jane Eyre, in which an innocent narrator’s life is changed by a devastating revelation.
During this last year, while Perfection was in the final stages of publication, I began working on a new project, a novel. I am finding it to be a very different process. I began with a snippet of a story I’d been kicking around in my head for years, but as I got into the project in a deep way, the original story fell away as the characters became more vivid. Very little remains of the original idea except for locations and some back story. The day I realized I had to quit forcing my original idea into the book was both sad and liberating. My attempts to direct the plot were those of a classroom bully who tries to force other kids to play by his or her rules. No one wants to play with a bully.
Now that I spend my days conjuring rather than exclusively researching my past, I frequently think of Anne Lamott’s advice in Bird by Bird: to focus not on plot but on character. I try to sit with my (mostly) made up characters and hope that if I am quiet and patient I will get to know them as well as the real people in my life, and that they will tell me what they need to do and say.
Julie Metz is a graphic designer (she co-designed the cover of her memoir), artist, and freelance writer whose work has appeared in publications including The New York Times, Glamour, and Publisher’s Weekly. Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal, is her first book.
Thanks for this! It may seem simple, but I’ve been writing the same novel for 10 years and part of the problem, until recently, was that I was always trying to make the original idea work. This year, I trashed it all and just stuck with what I knew would be a good story, even though it meant cutting 40,000 words. I’ve now discovered that writing it can be fun and almost enlightening as each moment clicks after another. I find myself smiling at the keyboard. That has to be a good thing, right?
Just glad to read that I am not alone. It is a process.
Julie — Tried to buy your book yesterday but our local bookstore was just sold out and had reordered! Can’t wait to read it.
plus,, love love love the cover of your book — congratulations on getting to design it!
OH MY GOD, I could not believe how much this paralled my life. He died June 11, 2009 and could have been a clone to the person you described.
Unfortunately I was the other party. However, he was so good we had a two year relationship without me finding out. I found out the morning after he died when I called his phone and his son answered it. What a shock for both of us.
I was his confident, and had wonderful times when we were together but when emailing he could change personalities at the drop of a hat.
I wish their was a group to make people more aware of NPD. In my case his wife never found out as I chose to keep it quiet. His sons have been very kind to me.
I would only hope that people could be made aware of this plight.
More than my being hurt, I hurt for his untimely death and his inability to find help. He loved life and his family and he was definitely a star with his friends, career and family and I don’t believe he actually wanted to be that way but didn’t know how to change.
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Henry should not have been married…he sounds like an immature, overly emotional needy person with many problems. Sorry Julie you had to endure his neediness…you were a victim of his emotional naiveite. The fact that he was having an affair with Cathy is proof of his emotional instability.
I am surprised you sought out and read about his affairs with other women. I would choose not to know any facts/details because then I would just go over the facts/details in my head so many times. Without these images, it’s easier to let it go. What did contacting the other women accomplish? I don’t understand the need for this info, but that’s just me. In some cases, ignorance is bliss. How does knowing the details of your husband’s affair help the situation?
Hi Ann:
Many readers are surprised that I sought out the details about my husband’s affairs. In doing so, I satisfied my own need for information and I am in no way saying that all people should take this approach. Personally, I felt that if I didn’t uncover as much as I could I wouldn’t be able to make better decisions in the future. I had been with Henry for a long time and I wanted to understand the relationship fully before letting it go. And in the end, understanding brought me to a place of compassion. But again, I understand that not all people would wish to go down this path.
Julie